


well she is a doctor

by fondghost



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Birds of Prey (And the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn) (2020), DC Extended Universe
Genre: Fluff, Gen, Harley and Bruce would be friends, Harley knows who Batman is, Hurt Bruce Wayne, you won't convince me otherwise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-26
Updated: 2020-03-26
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:15:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23326117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fondghost/pseuds/fondghost
Summary: Yeah, he’s an idiot. Bleeding out, two seconds from passing out, and on the wrong side of town—not that there was a right side of town in Gotham. He had very few options. Namely, he had three he could see right now: he could call someone, wait, and hope for the best. He could not call anyone, try to make it back home by himself like an idiot, definitely pass out, and hope for the best. Or, he could go toher….
Relationships: Batman & Harley Quinn, Cassandra Cain & Harleen Quinzel, Harleen Quinzel & Bruce Wayne
Comments: 17
Kudos: 487





	well she is a doctor

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! So, I'm obsessed with the idea that Harley knows who Batman is but just... doesn't care what he does outside of the mask, so she's just never told anyone. and BoP really decided to validate me??? Harley saying "Did you know Batman is..." at the end? No one can convince me that wasn't implying she KNOWS he's Bruce Wayne 
> 
> AND I love Harley & Bruce being friends! So here we go! Honestly I wrote this for myself because there aren't a lot of Bruce&Harley fic, but why not post it?
> 
> If you want a cute bruce&harley fic, try [The Astonishing and Occasionally Somewhat Reluctant Friendship of One Harley Quinn and Mr. Bruce Wayne](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1642048) it's really well written imo! 
> 
> — sorry for all the em dashes —

Well. No one ever said he was smart. 

He’s reckless and a ‘do-gooder’, wasn’t that what Harley Quinn once called him? She never said he was smart, and she has a PhD so she’d know. 

Yeah, he’s an idiot. Bleeding out, two seconds from passing out, and on the wrong side of town—not that there was a right side of town in Gotham. He  _ could _ call Alfred or one of the boys, and they’d come, but considering why he was there, and how many people were walking around, he’d definitely get found out before his people showed up. So, he had very few options. Namely, he had three he could see right now: he could call someone, wait, and hope for the best. He could not call anyone, try to make it back home by himself like an idiot, definitely pass out, and hope for the best. Or, he could go to  _ her _ …. 

He sighs. Maybe death was better. Everyone’s gotta go someday. 

He knows she lives around here, and she knows who he is anyway, so when he passes out, and he definitely will, it doesn’t matter if she takes off his mask. The plus side to that is she never gave him up, not even when she was with the Joker, so she’s unlikely to give him up  _ now _ to anyone else. And he’s been keeping up with her, he knows she’s not as criminal as she used to be — still criminal, for sure, he doubts she ever won’t be, but she’s not as evil and likely to murder innocent children as she might have been before.  _ And _ she went to medical school, she could probably do something about the bleeding. Nevermind that she went to medical school for psychiatry. 

Well, seems he knows what he’s going to do. And it’ll give him the chance to check up on her — he’s been meaning to do that anyway. Two birds, one stone, or whatever.

\----

He knocks, because even though he’s accepted his idiocy, he’s not stupid enough to break down  _ Harley Quinn’s _ door without expecting some ramifications. And in his current state, he’s not equipped to deal with whatever she might do. 

A kid.

A kid opens the door.

A kid that is clearly freaking out opens the door.

He feels his heart drop.  _ What if she’d moved? What if his information is out of date? _

_ What if he’s about to faint and possibly bleed out in front of a child. _

“Um.” The kid is speechless. Staring at him wide-eyed, unblinking, and frozen on the spot.

He had to ask. Before he passed out. He had to ask — there could still be a chance. “Is Harley here?”

The kid, without moving or taking her eyes off of him, calls out; “Harley!”

_ Oh thank God. _

He feels himself slouch further, lets himself give up and release some of the tension he was carrying. Allows himself to slowly start coming down from the adrenaline rush.

_ He was going to be okay. _

_ He wasn’t going to traumatize a child. Probably. _

Harley comes to the door, standing behind the kid. “Batsy?” she’s obviously confused. “What are you doing here? I have people here—well only Cass, but still.”

He smiles to himself—she clearly hadn’t outed his identity, not even to this kid who’s inexplicably living with her — he’d have to ask about her if he makes it. 

No one ever said he wasn’t dramatic.

“Didn’t know where else to go. Home’s too far.”

She frowns, confused. “What’s wrong with ya?”

He glances at the kid —Cass— before deciding he didn’t have the time or willpower to watch out for her innocence. Plus, she was living with Harley Quinn, she definitely lost any childhood innocence long ago. 

He removes his hand from his side and sees her eyes go wide with panic at the sight of the blood. 

“Fucking hell, Batsy, you need a  _ hospital _ , a  _ doctor _ _!_ Not  _ me _ _!_ ” 

Yup, he was fading out. At least he knew Harley was physically strong enough to get him inside of the apartment. “I can’t go to the hospital. And home’s too far. Besides, you’re a doctor.”

She looks faintly like she thinks he’s insane — which he shouldn’t find funny, but still does. “Not  _ that kind of doctor!  _ And what about Alf-- your assistant?”

He smiles and feels his eyes drooping. “Too far.” 

He then passes out.

\----

He comes-to slowly, and takes stock:

He’s lying on something relatively soft—a bed.

His mask is still on, which means Harley really hadn’t told the kid his identity. 

He can feel his side throbbing but, he opens his eyes and checks, he’s been stitched up and isn’t bleeding anymore. 

He takes a moment to breathe out a sigh of relief—he’s really glad Harley wasn’t with the Joker anymore. He cracks a smile, though, because the stitches, as far as he could tell, were exceptional — figures Harley Quinn would know how to fix wounds. _ Fuck the Joker. _

As he takes in his surroundings—the bedroom is small, messy, and smells faintly of lavender—, he hears voices from outside the room. Harley's and the kid’s. Arguing. 

“We just can’t!” Harley’s trying to whisper. He always suspected she’d be a terrible whisperer.

The kid, though, isn’t trying to be quiet at all. “What do you mean we can’t?! That’s _the_ _batman_ in there! You won’t tell me how you know him, and you didn’t take off his mask but you obviously know who he is! And now you don’t want me to tell the others?” 

He faintly hears Harley’s sigh. “Cass. Kid. He's  _ hurt _ . He came here because he was hurt and didn’t know where else to go. Kid, he trusts me, you want me to break that trust?  _ Batman trusts me—Harley Quinn, ex to the Joker.  _ You get how big that is? And he somehow, for some reason, trusts me. Yes, I know who he is, I've always known. He's never told me, I just knew. And he knew that I knew. But it’s just.” 

It’s quiet for a second. 

“ _ Kid _ .” 

More silence. 

“Fine. You’re right. I’m sorry. It’s just weird. And I am still curious. But fine, I won't say anything unless you tell me to.”  _ Good kid. _

“Thank you, I definitely did right when I adopted you!” 

His heart skips a beat, there’s no way that’s— 

“You didn’t adopt me! Stop saying that!” 

Laughter. 

He breathes out. He really needs to ask about this kid. And maybe now is the time to ask why Harley has never told anyone—the Joker—who he was behind the mask. 

But the nausea that hits him as he tries to sit up lets him know now is not that time. He closes his eyes and goes back to sleep.

\----

Harley wakes him up. By ‘gently’ slapping him a couple of times. “You really should get up and eat. Also maybe call your people so they don’t think you’re dead or somethin’.” She bounces on her feet. “Oh! I sent Cass to stay with some friends so, you know, you can take that off if you want.” She gestures to the mask still on his face. “Didn’t tell her who you were though, don’t worry!” 

He sits up slowly, wincing at the pain. “How long was I out?” 

“Oh, just since yesterday!” 

Alfred was definitely worrying. “What time is it?” 

“7pm.  _ Really _ need to eat.” She frowns.

“Where’s my suit?” 

She scoffs. “I save your life and all you do is ask questions, come on be a little nicer!” 

“Where’s my suit,  _ please _ ?” He hides a smile at the deadpan look he gets for that.

She rolls her eyes. “It’s right there. Had to take it off to look at the wound. Which was really big and gross by the way. And I'm not that kinda doctor, so don’t make this a habit!” 

“Won’t be. I knew I was going to lose consciousness and I preferred to do that with someone I…” 

She looks overwhelmed but recovers quickly. “Well, Cass said she wouldn’t say anything  _ but _ she’s a terrible liar, so if they ask her they’ll definitely know something’s up. So you should really call someone to come get you.” 

“My phone’s in my suit, can you…?” 

He calls Alfred—gets loudly and energetically lectured, and is told to be ready in 30 minutes. Then gets lectured  _ again  _ when he tells him he’s at Harley Quinn’s place. 

After that torture, he gingerly walks out to find Harley waiting at the kitchen island. 

“So wanna eat while you wait or what?”

\----

They eat left-over chinese food. She’s rambling about something or another, but Bruce has to ask.

“Why’d you never tell him?” 

She freezes for a second. “Tell who what?” 

“Joker. About me.” 

“It’s none of my business.” 

He frowns. “You were his girlfriend and he wants me dead.” 

Bouncing back from the uncomfort she seemed to be experiencing at his question, Harley shrugs. “What you do outside of the mask is— was— _is_ none of my business, what  _ was _ my business was you in the mask.  _ Batman _ was my enemy, not Bruce Wayne.” 

It was strange hearing his name come out of the mouth of the ex girlfriend of the man who made it his life mission to destroy him—the woman who also tried to hurt and kill him on more than one occasion. “Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it, it wasn’t out of the goodness of my heart, I really didn’t care what happened outside of our little game.” 

“Still.” She needed to know he was grateful. She held so much power over him, and she had never used it. Didn’t seem to ever even consider using it. And he  _ was  _ grateful. Confused, still, but he knew he wasn’t going to get much more of an answer out of her. He also suspected she was telling the truth; Harley Quinn never seemed to do the things she did out of any malice, but out of some fucked up sense of  _ fun _ , and if it was all a game to her, it made sense that she had some rules—morally skewed as they might be. Once out of the mask, you were safe, he supposed. To her anyway. He didn’t fully understand, but he wasn’t going to look a gift horse in the mouth.

A few seconds later, he remembers another question he’d been meaning to ask. “Who’s the kid, by the way?” 

She brightens up. “Oh, Cass! She’s a little pickpocket I took on under my wing!” 

_ Took on under….  _ He takes a second to ignore that.

“Cassandra Cain? The girl Sionis was after?” 

“Yeah! What, you know about that?” She pauses, “Well, ‘course you do! Where the hell were you then?” She demands, narrowing her eyes at him.

He gets the feeling she’s only half joking.

“Knew you could handle it.” 

She gives him a withering look. “Yeah, whatever. We almost died while you were letting us handle it, you dick.” 

“Sure, next time I’ll come ruin your fun.” He might not be an expert at Harley Quinn, but he sure as hell knows her enough to know she enjoys breaking some bones and blowing things up.

“...it was very fun. Blew up Sionis with a grenade!” She gloats. 

A point for Bruce.

“Heard about that. His body washed up in pieces.” He tries not to show too much emotion, just in case Harley can tell how amused he is and starts thinking he finds the whole thing  _ okay _ .

She laughs, as if blowing a man up is somehow funny... “Yeah. Kid did that, too. She’s going places!” 

“Hanging around you she definitely will...” 

Harley just smiles, looking proud. 

Best to just move on from that. “What about your friends—You said Cassandra is staying with them, are they the new vigilante crew? The birds of prey?” 

Harley’s eyes fill with wonder and, Bruce is surprised, affection. “Yeah! You know them?” 

“Not personally no, heard about them though. They’re doing good work.” 

She’s definitely proud now. “Yeah, a bunch of do-gooders but I love ‘em anyways.” 

That love and affection, Bruce is happy to find, is shining through crystal clear.

“You gonna join them?” 

“What, and give up crime? Nah!” She giggles.

“Haven’t heard about any crimes you’ve been committing lately.” That was actually true; while he still hears about her creating chaos everywhere she went —and that is to be expected really—, he hadn’t heard of any big, major destruction. Not recently anyway.

“Yeah ‘cause I don’t go around killing, beating or stealing no more. I’m legit.” 

Whatever ‘legit’ for Harley Quinn entails, anyway.

“Good.” 

\----

He needs to get ready, his car has got to be almost there.

“Harley, where’s the bathroom?”

She waves vaguely behind her — too engrossed with what’s on the tv.

He rolls his eyes. Somehow she’s both everything and nothing like he’d been expecting, all at once. 

_ Oh. _

There’s a hyena in the bathroom. 

A hyena.

In the bathroom. Sitting in the bathtub.

He’d heard about it of course, Harley Quinn walking around Gotham with a hyena on a leash, of course that got back to him--and to the papers. 

But he’s now face to face with it--him--whatever. 

“Harley.” He calls out, willing himself not to yell.

She comes into the bathroom, “Yeah? You need help takin’ anythin’ off?” 

“No. What is  _ that _ ?” 

She brightens up, “That’s--” she stops, looks at the hyena, then looks at him, then just laughs. Really hard, which...the hyena sounds like he’s laughing  _ with her _ . 

Bruce needs to leave this apartment before he loses it. 

“Harley.” 

She tries, valiantly Bruce can tell, to catch her breath, “I’m just-- I realized you wouldn’t know his name and-- I gotta tell you.” that sets her off again. 

Look, Bruce is glad to hear her laugh and have it be genuine and carefree and actually happy, so yes, it’s great she’s clearly doing better, but if she’s losing her sanity, he’d like to know. “Either explain, or get out. And take the hyena with you.”

She finally stops laughing, though still giggling a little, but standing upright at least. “His name is,” she pauses and looks expectantly at him, “his name is Bruce.”

That. That is unexpected. Not that he’s sure what he was expecting exactly, but definitely not that. “Bruce. You named your pet hyena Bruce.” 

“Yup! Sure did!” 

He takes a deep breath, afraid of even asking, but something in him --that sounds vaguely like Dick-- wants to know. “After…?” 

That sets her off again, but she faintly, barely, lets out: “ _ You! _ ” 

He’s glad she’s doubled over laughing and can’t see him, because suddenly the reality of the situation he’s in hits him and he really wants to just...laugh. He’s in Harley Quinn’s bathroom, having spent the night passed out in her bed, after she stitched him up and left him to sleep in his mask because she knows his identity but won’t tell anyone, and there’s a fucking hyena in the bathtub, a hyena that is named after him, because, again, he’s in  _ Harley Quinn’s bathroom. _

What in the world has his life come to. 

Harley doesn’t exactly stop laughing so much as she waves a hand at... _ Bruce  _ the hyena, and leaves the bathroom with him following her. So Bruce  _ the human _ closes the door and gets on with his business. He’s definitely not telling anyone back at the mansion about this.

And he’s got some self-preservation still intact to know he probably doesn’t want to know  _ why  _ she named her pet hyena after him. He’s definitely not asking.

He finally,  _ thank god,  _ gets a call that his car was outside. 

But before he leaves, he needs to say a few things to her. 

“Harley.” 

A quick flash of caution passes in her eyes before she covers it with her usual teasing demeanor. “You gonna thank me, Brucie? I take payment in favors and also money.” 

He rolls his eyes. “Thank you, and thank you for never telling anyone—“ she tries to interrupt him but he stops her, “I  _ know _ . But you didn’t have to do that, especially when we both know what he would’ve done if he’d known you were keeping that secret,” she looks a little dizzy at that, nauseous, which makes him feel a little sad but also fills him with a quiet rage that he tries to ignore. “So thank you. And thank you for last night. Sorry if I caused any problems between you and your friends.” 

She waves him off. “Nah don’t worry about it, it’ll be fine! But really, don’t make it into a habit comin’ here, the girls come over a lot and it’ll be a mess tryna explain it to them if they see you around. Not that I don’t wanna brag about being friends with  _ the batman. _ ”

He sighs, picking his few things up and heading to the door. “We’re not friends, Harley.” he’s  _ mostly _ joking.

“Oh, we definitely are! On second thought, you should for sure come over  _ a lot _ ! You’re invited to movie night.” she declares, laughing. 

“Can’t wait.” 

He stops at the door and turns to look at her — she’s smiling and relaxed, dressed comfortably, and her eyes are clear, not hazy and manic the way they used to be with  _ him.  _ “I’m glad you’re doing better.”

Her smile softens and she shrugs, “Yeah me too…” 

He walks away feeling good. It wasn’t that he thought about Harley Quinn a lot, he probably only really thought about her whenever he saw her or heard about her, but whenever he did see her  _ before _ , he’d be left with this feeling of pity and anxiousness; she wasn’t in a good place. She’s not really a good person, he didn’t think even  _ she _ would argue that, but no one deserved the torture being with the Joker was. So seeing her actually happy was refreshing. 

He’ll keep that in mind the next time he hears about her blowing things up or robbing places. 

And if, a week later, Dick laughs until he’s crying when he hears about Bruce the hyena on the news, well….Bruce the human will just keep reminding him not to believe everything the media says. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I wanna write more in this universe because I absolutely need it! But we'll see!
> 
> Can we tell how much I wanted to talk about Dick but couldn't? smh
> 
> I made a tumblr if anyone wants to talk headcanons: [fondghost](https://fondghost.tumblr.com) !!!


End file.
